My first impression of my maternal grandma was a small, frail lady who was very quiet, but with pensive, penetrating eyes.\u00a0 I first met her when I was almost seven years old and she was 71.\u00a0 She lived to 100 years old, but I never interacted much with her, and never really knew her or tried to learn from her. Now that I am almost her age when I first met her, I regret very much that I never made use of the opportunity to get to know her better, because there were so many things I could have learned from her.
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The first time I met my maternal grandma was around May or June 1949 when my whole family just moved from Canton[1]<\/a> in Southern China to Hong Kong just before the Chinese Communists gained control of all of Southern China.\u00a0 We moved into the apartment rented by my maternal uncle, my mom\u2019s second older brother, where he and his large family as well as several other relatives including my grandma lived.<\/p>\n Since my paternal grandma died just shortly before I was born, my maternal grandma was the only grandma I knew.\u00a0 My maternal grandma had bound feet and didn\u2019t move around much and wasn\u2019t involved in doing any housework; so usually I saw her just sitting in her chair.\u00a0 At that time I was only a child, I of course never thought to ask myself what kind of person was my grandma, what was her life like, what did she see with those pensive, penetrating eyes, and what was she thinking in her head with respect to what she saw.\u00a0 Although we lived in the same apartment in Hong Kong for three years before my family moved into our own apartment, I never really talked to my grandma and really didn\u2019t know her.\u00a0 Much later after I grew up and finished my undergraduate and graduate education in the U.S., I did return to Hong Kong twice, in 1971 and 1974, and paid short visits to her before she passed away in 1978 at the age of 100.\u00a0 Besides shaking her small, wrinkled hands and giving her a hug or two, I never had any sort of real conversation with her, and did not gain any insight about her as a person.<\/p>\n Now that I am about the age she was when I first met her and being a grandfather myself, I regret that I never had a real conversation with her to try to understand her better and learn from her, especially when I went back as an adult in 1971 and 1974.\u00a0 I can only try to vicariously put myself in her place and imagine what her thoughts might have been.<\/p>\n My maternal grandfather was born in San Francisco in 1881, but went to China (reverse immigration) in 1886.\u00a0 He married grandma probably near the end of the 19th<\/sup> century.\u00a0 They had their first child, a son, in 1901, then later a daughter, another son, and another daughter my mom.\u00a0 As was the custom in those days for men who could afford to do so, he also had concubines, three of them, and had several children with his concubines. \u00a0What was it like to share your husband with three other women?\u00a0 How much infighting between the different wives or between the various step brothers and sisters?\u00a0 How much favoritism did a mother give to her own children over the step children?<\/p>\n Although my grandma was the matriarch of the household, the head of the household and the person making the decisions was most likely my grandfather, especially since he had lived in and seen other parts of the world.\u00a0 That was probably one of the reasons why my grandma was always so quiet.\u00a0 However, her pensive, penetrating eyes indicated to me that she was not a woman who knew little and was without feelings.\u00a0 Inside her, depending on the situation, she was probably full of joy or sadness, but she just didn\u2019t express it outwardly.\u00a0 Her life definitely had its ups and downs.\u00a0 The early death of her first-born son at the age of 19, after his engagement but before his marriage, must have torn her heart apart.\u00a0 How long did it take and how did she overcome that sorrow?\u00a0 She probably appreciated the loyalty and sacrifice of her son\u2019s fianc\u00e9e who committed herself to live as a widow in her fianc\u00e9e\u2019s family\u2019s house for the rest of her life.\u00a0 As a woman, did she feel that this Chinese tradition was really unfair to the young woman that basically robbed her future in terms of experiencing joy as a bride or mother?<\/p>\n Having bound feet but living in the 20th<\/sup> century when that tradition was fading must have generated mixed feelings in her.\u00a0 On the one hand, she was happy that she came from a family that could afford to have their daughters bind their feet, meaning that they didn\u2019t have to work to help support the family.\u00a0 On the other hand, she must have felt sad because her life was so much restricted due to the bound feet.\u00a0 For example, she couldn\u2019t easily go out of the house to enjoy a walk on a beautiful spring day.\u00a0 She couldn\u2019t easily enjoy a stroll in the park while holding the tiny hand of one of her children or grandchildren or holding one of her children or grandchildren in her arms while rocking him\/her to sleep, which are typical joys of motherhood or grandmother hood.\u00a0 Furthermore, what excruciating pain she had to endure during the several years of the foot binding process that basically involved breaking the bones of the toes and the arch of the foot.<\/p>\n My maternal grandpa died in 1941 before I was born, and my grandma lived for another 37 years, including the difficult last few years of WWII when Hong Kong was occupied by Japan, and then the happy years when Hong Kong was liberated at the end of WWII.\u00a0 What life was like for her when she lived in Japanese occupied-Hong Kong from 1941 to 1945?\u00a0 Her bound feet also limited her escape options, which was the route my whole family took by leaving Hong Kong and moving\/running away to a part of Free China.[2]<\/a> \u00a0What joys of relief she must have felt when Japan was defeated to end WWII.\u00a0 However, I imagine that in either situation, she never outwardly expressed her fear or joy.\u00a0 Everything was kept inside her.<\/p>\n There was so much I could have learned from my grandma about how the Chinese, especially women, felt about some of the traditional Chinese customs.\u00a0 But I missed a golden opportunity, and once you let an opportunity slipped by, it is gone forever.\u00a0 Knowing that I have short temper and my feelings can easily show up in my face, I wish I have some of my grandma\u2019s inner calm.<\/p>\n
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